I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be...

Two weeks ago we gave our testimonies at the Guatemala meeting. Going into it, I was a nervous wreck, dreading that moment that I would have to share. There are multiple reasons for that dread, and they are the same ones I face regularly when giving my testimony.

1) Public Speaking. As far as I am concerned more than one other person in the room qualifies as public speaking. Frankly, I have never been good at public speaking. More often than not, during high school my teachers would end up having to let me present alone in front of them because every time I tried to get up in front of the class I would cry, or run to the washroom and throw up, or panic and talk so fast nobody could understand a word I was saying. I don't know why, I just struggle with it. I'm sure a large chunk of that is part of the social anxiety, but either way it creates a lot of panic in my mind.

2) I especially don't like giving my testimony in front of people I know. I like people to think I've got it all together. Not because it makes me look better, but rather it saves me from enduring people not knowing how to act around me, or people pressing to find out what's wrong and what's going on. Being strong on the outside has always saved me from a lot of potentially awkward situations. Giving my testimony means having to admit that not only do I not have it all together, but that a lot of the time I am in a constant struggle that very few people could ever understand.

3) I despise those three minute testimonies. You know the ones I'm talking about -- My life before Jesus, My Life After Jesus, Here I Am Today. I despise it because my story isn't that clean cut. My life was pretty crummy before Jesus, my life got REALLY crummy after Jesus, and today, God is still picking up the pieces. And this leads into number four.

4) I feel like my story isn't that relatable to others. Or that the fact that things didn't get better after I became a Christian is going to turn people off, make them think that I've gotten something wrong. Especially since a majority of the times I have opened up to other Christians, I've been hit with those very things. I've had Christians tell me that because I have a mental illness, I can't really be a Christian. That because I get depressed, I don't really trust/believe in Jesus. That I must have done something really wrong for God to be punishing me like this. 

So when you combine all four of those together, the result is me being petrified. Not knowing what to say. What my story is. Trying to figure out where the message is in all of this.

Even after giving my testimony to the team, I still struggled. I was thanked for sharing, and told that it was powerful. But where was my message in it? What was my message? Where God, in all of this, is Your message of truth and power?

You know what the best thing about God is though? Even when you're not actually asking Him, He will provide answers to you.

There is a song that came out about two months ago that I have been listening to regularly, and have trouble not crying when I hear it. I picked it for a song on a radio station, explaining how much the words have really rung true for me over the past five years, when life has gotten really tough. But it was the morning after sharing my testimony that God reminded me that the song was so much more than just an echo of the last five years; it was the truth behind my testimony, and the change that God has been shaping in me through all these years.

The song is called Strong Enough, and it is by a Christian artist called Matthew West. (Song at the bottom of this post).

Everything, from the beginning of the song, right through is my story. "You must think I'm strong, to give me what I'm going through. Forgive me, if I'm wrong, this looks like more than I can do," are the first two lines of the song, and I realized, that this was me. This was my life. Constantly feeling like I couldn't be strong enough, like I had to be stronger. And so I was. I constantly battled for control, constantly tried to fight through, to be strong enough, to not allow anything to break me. Only it was breaking me. It was tearing me down bit by bit. And then one day, all that was left was brokenness. In my desperate attempt to be strong enough to stand against everything God allowed to come my way, I had broken down all of my strength.

I still remember that day, when everything collapsed. When my poor decisions and bad lifestyle choices that came from running from the things that were discouraging me at church collided with all my anger and hurt, confusion and lonliness. I was crumbling, and I was alone because I had tried to do it all on my own.

"I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be, I give up, I'm not strong enough."


Who knew that admitting defeat was actually the solution.

2 Corinthians 12:10 says "For when I am weak, I am strong."

When we hit that point of giving up, hit that point where we have nothing left, it gives God the opportunity to step in and carry us through, to show us that all things are possible through Him, because He gives us strength (Philipians 4:13).

And once you hit that point when God takes over, when He carries you through and He shows you the way, you realize that every rock you hit, every hill you fell down in turn made you stronger because of Him. I am strong today, not because of everything I have been through, but because of the strength God has built in me by turning to Him to get me through.

So it turns out, sharing my testimony isn't such a scary, daunting task afterall. Amidst all the darkness and the turmoil, God was building a story that I am certain will encourage others, even if it only ends up being one other person.

What holds you back?

The last couple mission trip meetings we talked about things that help us move forward and things that hold us back.

I'd be lying if I said that fear wasn't holding me back a bit. And I'm certain the closer it gets, the stronger that fear will fight to take control.

There are the typical fears -- being afraid the finances won't come through, flying, potential disease and or getting sick. But those fears come with any sort of travel.

The fears I am facing for Guatemala are a little bit more intense than that. For me to go to Guatemala, every bit of this Mission's Trip means more than just stepping out of my comfort zone; it means tackling the very things that have made most of my life difficult.

It starts with the social anxiety. Being around a group of people I don't know super well from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed is going to be challenging. The anxiety will likely be through the roof, the desire to just run away and hide. My head will be swimming. But I can do it.

If I can muster up the strength to go to a concert alone, to drive to another city to meet a group of friends I've never met in person, I can spend a week and a half with a group of people who I've known somewhat for several years.

The second largest challenge/fear is of course, dealing with my bipolar. The emotional impact is going to be intense. It's going to be draining. And it's likely going to have the giant swing effect. I'll admit that I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it. That all this battling I've done will crumble with the emotional impact of everything.

But, I have to remember that God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than my fears, than my medical conditions, and He is most definitely bigger than any mountains I see in my way. I believe I am going on this trip for a reason, and that God intends to do something with me through it.

Maybe it will be to make me stronger, to learn how to stand firm and realize that I am not as weak as I think I am.

Maybe it will be to show me that I can overcome all these things that stand against me.

Maybe, it will be to humble me and help me to understand that in the scope of situations around the world, mine are not as big and bad as they seem.

Or maybe, just maybe, this entire trip will have nothing to do with me. Maybe it will be about the outpouring of self to others, to serving and loving. To discover how to truly live out the request that Christ left us with.

No matter what, it's going to be life-changing. It's impossible to do something like this and not be changed by it somehow.

And to that I say, bring it on. For what better challenge is there, than one that results in conquering your fears and teaching you a further understanding of compassion?

It's not easy.

How does one really truly prepare themselves for something like this? To get your heart ready to face the things you are going to see, knowing that it will be full of heartbreak.

It's a hard thing to wrap your hand around. To come to understand something you haven't seen and have never experienced.

I worry sometimes, how this will affect my 'issues'; whether it will throw me back into a depression from the harsh realities that I've never known.

When we start actually training for the trip, I'm sure I'll start to feel more. My heart will start to adjust with the reality of the situation. But right now, when it's just the fund raising and the meetings, it feels distant. It feels like we're not really a part of it.

That will all change, I know it will. I just hope I'll be ready when it comes.

Slow progression

It still hasn't really hit me that I'm doing this.

Every day still feels the same; the Spanish lessons just feel like something I'm doing on the side.

I know this will change. I know the closer we get, the more proactive we are, the more it will start to hit me.

But right now? It all kind of seems just like an idea, like something that is not actually taking shape.

I want more than that. I want to be excited, to be inspired. I want to have my heart so in tune with what it is we're doing that this trip crosses my mind almost as frequently as God does.

I want this to be the reason for pushing forward right now.

¿Habla usted español?

The first step on my journey has been to start learning Spanish. I first developed the desire to do this when I visited Cuba in 2005. It's a beautiful language, and as I discovered while in Cuba, quite similar to French. Similar enough that at the time, while I was still fluent in French, I managed to understand a lot of what was said to me.

I figured actually going somewhere to work with people who speak the language was the perfect reasoning to both learn and have the opportunity to use my newly learned skills.

So far I've only had two lessons (with an amazing friend who I am SO grateful for doing this for me), but I think I'm doing pretty well. I've only learned some of the basics (Dates, Alphabet, greetings, the two forms of To Be, pronouns and some basic items), but I seem to be handling them fairly well. I've started writing all my dates on my notepads in Spanish, and keep sticky notes on different items as a reminder of what they are.

Unfortunately I can't say I've started much else in prep yet as things have been crazy busy, but it's going to be coming up fast.

Buenos Dias mi amigos!

Team Guatemala 2012... it starts.

The last two years Broadway Pentecostal Church has sent a mission's team to Guatemala. Both years my parents have gone, and this past year my sister had the opportunity to go.

This coming year, it's my turn.

I've wanted to go on a Mission's trip since my early teen years, but have not had the opportunity before.

Finances are going to be tight, but I believe that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to.

This blog will be for the sole purpose of documenting my journey, from beginning to end.

This will be a life changing event, and it starts long before we board the plane.