I'd be lying if I said that fear wasn't holding me back a bit. And I'm certain the closer it gets, the stronger that fear will fight to take control.
There are the typical fears -- being afraid the finances won't come through, flying, potential disease and or getting sick. But those fears come with any sort of travel.
The fears I am facing for Guatemala are a little bit more intense than that. For me to go to Guatemala, every bit of this Mission's Trip means more than just stepping out of my comfort zone; it means tackling the very things that have made most of my life difficult.
It starts with the social anxiety. Being around a group of people I don't know super well from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed is going to be challenging. The anxiety will likely be through the roof, the desire to just run away and hide. My head will be swimming. But I can do it.
If I can muster up the strength to go to a concert alone, to drive to another city to meet a group of friends I've never met in person, I can spend a week and a half with a group of people who I've known somewhat for several years.
The second largest challenge/fear is of course, dealing with my bipolar. The emotional impact is going to be intense. It's going to be draining. And it's likely going to have the giant swing effect. I'll admit that I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it. That all this battling I've done will crumble with the emotional impact of everything.
But, I have to remember that God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than my fears, than my medical conditions, and He is most definitely bigger than any mountains I see in my way. I believe I am going on this trip for a reason, and that God intends to do something with me through it.
Maybe it will be to make me stronger, to learn how to stand firm and realize that I am not as weak as I think I am.
Maybe it will be to show me that I can overcome all these things that stand against me.
Maybe, it will be to humble me and help me to understand that in the scope of situations around the world, mine are not as big and bad as they seem.
Or maybe, just maybe, this entire trip will have nothing to do with me. Maybe it will be about the outpouring of self to others, to serving and loving. To discover how to truly live out the request that Christ left us with.
No matter what, it's going to be life-changing. It's impossible to do something like this and not be changed by it somehow.
And to that I say, bring it on. For what better challenge is there, than one that results in conquering your fears and teaching you a further understanding of compassion?
