I'd be lying if I said that fear wasn't holding me back a bit. And I'm certain the closer it gets, the stronger that fear will fight to take control.
There are the typical fears -- being afraid the finances won't come through, flying, potential disease and or getting sick. But those fears come with any sort of travel.
The fears I am facing for Guatemala are a little bit more intense than that. For me to go to Guatemala, every bit of this Mission's Trip means more than just stepping out of my comfort zone; it means tackling the very things that have made most of my life difficult.
It starts with the social anxiety. Being around a group of people I don't know super well from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed is going to be challenging. The anxiety will likely be through the roof, the desire to just run away and hide. My head will be swimming. But I can do it.
If I can muster up the strength to go to a concert alone, to drive to another city to meet a group of friends I've never met in person, I can spend a week and a half with a group of people who I've known somewhat for several years.
The second largest challenge/fear is of course, dealing with my bipolar. The emotional impact is going to be intense. It's going to be draining. And it's likely going to have the giant swing effect. I'll admit that I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it. That all this battling I've done will crumble with the emotional impact of everything.
But, I have to remember that God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than my fears, than my medical conditions, and He is most definitely bigger than any mountains I see in my way. I believe I am going on this trip for a reason, and that God intends to do something with me through it.
Maybe it will be to make me stronger, to learn how to stand firm and realize that I am not as weak as I think I am.
Maybe it will be to show me that I can overcome all these things that stand against me.
Maybe, it will be to humble me and help me to understand that in the scope of situations around the world, mine are not as big and bad as they seem.
Or maybe, just maybe, this entire trip will have nothing to do with me. Maybe it will be about the outpouring of self to others, to serving and loving. To discover how to truly live out the request that Christ left us with.
No matter what, it's going to be life-changing. It's impossible to do something like this and not be changed by it somehow.
And to that I say, bring it on. For what better challenge is there, than one that results in conquering your fears and teaching you a further understanding of compassion?
God is bigger! Much love.
ReplyDeleteIt's not the same as what you're going to deal with, that I recognize from the beginning, but the only reference I can work from is my own experience in that other crazy country and my impressions of you.
ReplyDeleteI think you have been marred by a lot of external negativity. I think the mirrors you've looked at showed reflections tainted by the views and agendas of others are inaccurate at best. Having taken the steps you have in past - whether the outcome was how you wanted it or not - shows you have a lot more courage and strength in you than you give yourself credit for. And I believe that you will be finding that out during your trip.
You will be freaking out, you will be incredibly self-conscious, but here's the key advice I would give you: Keep your eyes on the reason you are there among those people.
Be the servant whose only focus is on those she's serving and you'll find that whatever perceptions you have of yourself and your own worries will take a back seat. Don't go in with your eyes directed at yourself. There's a quote that says, 'when we forget ourselves, we usually do something everyone else remembers'.
I don't mean ignore your own needs, ignore your problems and stuff it in a box that'll bite you later. Just don't disable yourself by losing your focus from the reason you're there to begin with.
Secondly, you're not going in there alone. The awesome thing about taking such a step out is that you end up completely and utterly having to trust God to sustain you, protect you and enable you. Have His breath be on you and in you.
I know you hate this particular aspect when it comes to me - with good reason. But just let yourself be His instrument. He knows how to wield all you have inside you. You don't have to direct Him, advise Him or reason with Him. All you need 'worry' about is not to limit His use of you.