I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be...

Two weeks ago we gave our testimonies at the Guatemala meeting. Going into it, I was a nervous wreck, dreading that moment that I would have to share. There are multiple reasons for that dread, and they are the same ones I face regularly when giving my testimony.

1) Public Speaking. As far as I am concerned more than one other person in the room qualifies as public speaking. Frankly, I have never been good at public speaking. More often than not, during high school my teachers would end up having to let me present alone in front of them because every time I tried to get up in front of the class I would cry, or run to the washroom and throw up, or panic and talk so fast nobody could understand a word I was saying. I don't know why, I just struggle with it. I'm sure a large chunk of that is part of the social anxiety, but either way it creates a lot of panic in my mind.

2) I especially don't like giving my testimony in front of people I know. I like people to think I've got it all together. Not because it makes me look better, but rather it saves me from enduring people not knowing how to act around me, or people pressing to find out what's wrong and what's going on. Being strong on the outside has always saved me from a lot of potentially awkward situations. Giving my testimony means having to admit that not only do I not have it all together, but that a lot of the time I am in a constant struggle that very few people could ever understand.

3) I despise those three minute testimonies. You know the ones I'm talking about -- My life before Jesus, My Life After Jesus, Here I Am Today. I despise it because my story isn't that clean cut. My life was pretty crummy before Jesus, my life got REALLY crummy after Jesus, and today, God is still picking up the pieces. And this leads into number four.

4) I feel like my story isn't that relatable to others. Or that the fact that things didn't get better after I became a Christian is going to turn people off, make them think that I've gotten something wrong. Especially since a majority of the times I have opened up to other Christians, I've been hit with those very things. I've had Christians tell me that because I have a mental illness, I can't really be a Christian. That because I get depressed, I don't really trust/believe in Jesus. That I must have done something really wrong for God to be punishing me like this. 

So when you combine all four of those together, the result is me being petrified. Not knowing what to say. What my story is. Trying to figure out where the message is in all of this.

Even after giving my testimony to the team, I still struggled. I was thanked for sharing, and told that it was powerful. But where was my message in it? What was my message? Where God, in all of this, is Your message of truth and power?

You know what the best thing about God is though? Even when you're not actually asking Him, He will provide answers to you.

There is a song that came out about two months ago that I have been listening to regularly, and have trouble not crying when I hear it. I picked it for a song on a radio station, explaining how much the words have really rung true for me over the past five years, when life has gotten really tough. But it was the morning after sharing my testimony that God reminded me that the song was so much more than just an echo of the last five years; it was the truth behind my testimony, and the change that God has been shaping in me through all these years.

The song is called Strong Enough, and it is by a Christian artist called Matthew West. (Song at the bottom of this post).

Everything, from the beginning of the song, right through is my story. "You must think I'm strong, to give me what I'm going through. Forgive me, if I'm wrong, this looks like more than I can do," are the first two lines of the song, and I realized, that this was me. This was my life. Constantly feeling like I couldn't be strong enough, like I had to be stronger. And so I was. I constantly battled for control, constantly tried to fight through, to be strong enough, to not allow anything to break me. Only it was breaking me. It was tearing me down bit by bit. And then one day, all that was left was brokenness. In my desperate attempt to be strong enough to stand against everything God allowed to come my way, I had broken down all of my strength.

I still remember that day, when everything collapsed. When my poor decisions and bad lifestyle choices that came from running from the things that were discouraging me at church collided with all my anger and hurt, confusion and lonliness. I was crumbling, and I was alone because I had tried to do it all on my own.

"I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be, I give up, I'm not strong enough."


Who knew that admitting defeat was actually the solution.

2 Corinthians 12:10 says "For when I am weak, I am strong."

When we hit that point of giving up, hit that point where we have nothing left, it gives God the opportunity to step in and carry us through, to show us that all things are possible through Him, because He gives us strength (Philipians 4:13).

And once you hit that point when God takes over, when He carries you through and He shows you the way, you realize that every rock you hit, every hill you fell down in turn made you stronger because of Him. I am strong today, not because of everything I have been through, but because of the strength God has built in me by turning to Him to get me through.

So it turns out, sharing my testimony isn't such a scary, daunting task afterall. Amidst all the darkness and the turmoil, God was building a story that I am certain will encourage others, even if it only ends up being one other person.